I thought I would stop writing in this thing, but a co-worker and I were having a conversation today about journaling/writing. I used to journal so much, and I stopped this past year because of certain events. Anyway, she encouraged me to keep with the writing and I've also been feeling like I needed an outlet to write.

You might have seen the title and thought, "oh no, she's overwhelmed."

However, good news! I am so overwhelmed with the goodness of the Lord in this particular season. My cup is overflowing in so many ways. God has provided me with more than what I could have asked for right now, and for that I am so thankful. I feel so undeserving of this, and I am reminded of what David says in Psalm 116, "What can I render to the Lord for all his benefits towards me?"

I'm not saying life is perfect, and that I don't have rough days, but man, the Lord's hand is so evident right now in so many different things.

Over the past couple of years, the Lord has brought such wonderful people into my life. I was so worried about finding people when I moved back home this year- but once again, the Lord has proven Himself faithful.

Sigh.

I'm also experiencing God's redemption in a particular way during this season. I've been experiencing the peace that lets me know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now in life. And that's a good feeling.

That's all for now. Pardon me for my vagueness :) May the Lord's face shine upon you.

Let it be made known, Miss Koshy has made her first student cry as of today, September 20th, 2007.

If you haven't noticed, I tend to write in this thing when I'm feeling strongly about something..so I hope you don't get the wrong idea, but even if you did, I guess it wouldn't really matter now anyway, would it..

The past week has been one hell of a week. Pardon my language. I can't express the anger that I feel into words. It's 2:05 a.m. at the moment, my head hurts, I'm very tired, but I'm wide awake. Go figure.

For the past week I have felt such a spiritual bondage from what I've been learning in these Bible studies. My spirit feels oppressed and trapped. We have a visitor from India who has been speaking to us- we have Bible study every single night, sometimes twice a day. This is in preparation for an outreach/convention we're going to have in a couple weeks. I am literally forced to go every night, no questions asked. The gospel that is being preached is one that lacks any concept of grace whatsoever, to the point where I sit in so much anger, I feel guilty for even sitting there. Apparently, *note sarcasm

1. we can't go to Jesus empty-handed

2. we have to fix ourselves before entering into the presence of Christ

3. I don't have Jesus in my heart (which is what this speaker told me)

4. I'm not singing 'in spirit' (" " " " )

5. my friend's heart is being controlled by the devil ("""""")

6. watching TV means that the Holy Spirit can't live in our hearts

7. 2.4 hours per day needs to be dedicated to the Lord, because it's 10% of 24 hours, and this time doesn't include praying for our own needs

8. I need to make sure I'm okay before I'm concerned with the souls of others

Anyone else see something desperately wrong with these statements? Where is the grace? The freedom? The fact that Jesus is our High Priest and sympathizes with our weaknesses, as the author of Hebrew writes?

I ended at number 8, but the list goes on. On top of this, the judgement and condemnation is so heavy- missing a meeting means I have my priorities wrong, even if that means I'm out sharing the gospel with little kids. The expectations are heavy and frankly, I'm at my wits' end.

Honestly, I am afraid of what my parents think of me. And I'm scared of them. I'm scared of disappointing them. We're completely at a disconnect, and I feel like these parents have been brainwashed. And not only am I scared to disappoint my parents, but the whole community. I feel like a fake, doing all that I'm told and pretending to be someone I'm not, to put on this show, so that everyone approves...

I can't be expected to lead worship when I'm being judged as I'm singing and playing.

I hate all this persevering the image crap. This is not how life was meant to be lived. Christ came for us to be set free.

These past 5 years, I fought so hard against the legalistic tendencies that were instilled within me because of the teachings I was brought up with. I finally feel like within the past couple years, my whole view of God changed because I actually understood grace, and the freedom that comes in knowing that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And part of the reason I was able to understand grace so much more was because of the people in my life who showed that grace to me when I messed up, people who loved me the same even though I wasn't perfect and made mistakes.

My heart is so broken when I sit in the meeting, and hear the people wailing because they are condemned with their sins. The Lord brings conviction, the enemy brings accusation. The Lord brings hope, the enemy brings hopelessness. The Lord often points one specific thing at a time, the enemy tries to overwhelm us with lots of things at once.

I shouldn't even sit at these meetings because I have so much anger. Is the anger justified? And I battle between honoring my parents and doing what I believe is right.

Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it here. Not in the physical sense, but in an emotional/spiritual sense. And the efforts I try to make seem to break out of these things seem to be thwarted due to the circumstances. I can't do it. And if I were ever to tell my parents this, they would say I was being selfish and not grateful for all the things I do have in my life.

You might say to me, oh, maybe I should move out..after all, I am 23. But you see, it just doesn't fly that way in our culture- especially being the youngest female of the house. Nor can I approach the speaker about this, nor can I tell my parents that I'm not going. It's complete disrespect.

Lord, I need a renewed sense of hope.

And don't let this concern you too much, I tend to write in this thing when I'm upset or angry, or really happy..as I'm sure you can tell which of the 3 I am currently.